So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
