I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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