my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
