im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
