I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
