i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
