I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
