I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
