Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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