you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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