so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
4 words: hood of his car
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
