She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.