Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?