I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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