Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I currently don't understand fingers.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
