The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I need to wash the frat house off of me
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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