I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
