Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
