I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
