she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
