Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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