Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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