She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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