Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
