There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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