I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
