I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
