So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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