I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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