I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
