tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
