it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
it glows. i had to have it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
