I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
