Apparently you make a good broom.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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