At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
