I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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