That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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