i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
