Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win