Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
