First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
People in love make me want to vomit
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
