I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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