she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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