What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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