ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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