Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
