Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
