Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
my sisters under your porch take her home
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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