I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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