508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
