perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
