Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
