My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
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Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The air was thick with penises
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
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