I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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