ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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