Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
